I love boating and have done a fair bit of canoeing and kayaking and would some day like to try sailing, but there is nothing like sitting in the driver’s seat of a power boat with an inboard motor and pushing the throttle and feeling the boat come quickly out of the water and begin planeing along the surface of the water at high speed. That’s power and you have control of it at your finger tips.
When our children were young, we drove to Arizona to visit my mom who lived there at the time. We drove there with our four cylinder Buick and when we drove through the mountains in Colorado, we had to slow down every time we went up a hill. The car was pretty loaded down and it just didn’t have the power to maintain speed when going up a hill. When we were visiting my mom, I drove her 1962 Buick Riviera. It had a 455 cubic inch V8 engine. What a difference! Now that is power, and I had control of that power. It was great.
As men, we like power and we like to use power. We also have great power available to us personally. But power is a two edged sword. It can be used to destroy or it can be used to build. We know that water has great power to destroy as we have just experienced in the flood. But the power of water can also be harnessed to cut steal or to produce electrical energy.
This morning I would like to invite you to think about the power of a man in fathering. We as fathers have great power at our disposal. How will we use that power?
Just as the power of water can destroy or build, so we can use our power as fathers to break or build our children.
The Bible gives us examples of fathering that destroyed.
Although a good man himself, Eli was not effective as a father. God says about him in I Samuel 3:13, "For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them." Eli did not use his power as a father wisely and as a result did not guide his sons towards obedience and the result was a negative impact for the nation.
Although David was a man after God’s own heart, there were times when he did not use his power as a father effectively. His son Amnon had raped his half sister, Tamar. Absalom was the full brother of Tamar and when he heard about what had happened he killed Amnon and fled. David did not deal with this conflict well and later we read in II Samuel 14:21, 24, "The king said to Joab, "Very well, I will do it. Go bring back the young man Absalom."..."But the king said, "He must go to his own house; he must not see my face." So Absalom went to his own house and did not see the face of the king." This failure to deal with these serious conflicts resulted in Absalom’s rebellion against his father.
Power used negatively is destructive of families. I have read that men are involved in 90 percent of child and spousal abuse cases.
One writer says, "A child’s heart is easily bruised. Easily torn. Easily broken. And once seriously damaged, no team of surgeons in God’s world can repair it. Only the Almighty Himself has the skill to restore its original balance, potential, and capacities."
One of the saddest stories I have read about a father using his power to destroy is the following.
"I was just 12 when my Boy Scout troop planned a father-son camp-out. I was thrilled and could hardly wait to rush home and give my father all the information. I wanted to show him all I’d learned in scouting, and I was so proud when he said he’d go with me."
"The Friday of the camp-out finally came, and I had all my gear out on the porch, ready to stuff in his car the moment he arrived. We were to meet at the local school at 5:00 pm. and car pool to the campground. But Dad didn’t get home until 7:00 pm.
"I was frantic, but he explained how things had gone wrong at work and told me not to worry. We could still get up first thing in the morning and join the others. After all, we had a map. I was disappointed, of course, but decided to just make the best of it.
"First thing in the morning, I was up and had everything in his car while it was still getting light, all ready for us to catch up with my friends and their fathers at the campground. He had said we’d leave around 7:00, and I was ready a half hour before that. But he never got up until 9:30.
"When he saw me standing out front with the camping gear, he finally explained that he had a bad back and couldn’t sleep on the ground. He hoped I’d understand and that I’d be a `big boy’ about it... but could I please get my stuff out of his car because he had several `commitments’ he had to keep.
"That’s when I realized that my dad never meant to go with me to the campout. He just didn’t have the guts to tell me."
"How do you restore the capacity to trust after trust has been shattered like that?"
Fortunately, fathers not only have the power to destroy, but also to build. We read in the Bible about Samuel’s parents. Most often we read about his mother, but his father was also instrumental in the good parenting that went on there. We read in I Samuel 1:3, "Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh..." After Samuel was born, but not yet weaned, Elkanah said to his wife in I Samuel 1:23 “‘Do what seems best to you…Stay here until you have weaned him; only may the LORD make good his word.’ So the woman stayed at home and nursed her son until she had weaned him.” It was Samuel’s father who was faithful in worship attendance and led his family in worship. We also notice that he was supportive of his wife and helped her in discerning God’s will and in directing her to God’s way.
It is great to read stories of faithful parenting. I am not sure where I found the following story, but it brought tears to my eyes when I read it.
"After her father’s death, Sara went through some of his personal things. Opening his Bible, she came across a pressed rosebud and two ticket stubs. Suddenly, the memories came flooding back. During her insecure, unsettling, and terribly important teenage years, her father had... used his power for good.
"I grew up in a poor family in the late 40’s. My father loved us very much and worked extremely hard to keep five kids in shoes and clothes, but still, most of our clothes were hand-me-downs from the missionary barrel at church.
"During high school, I struck gold with a wealthy family at church who needed a baby-sitter. I saved my money, and then one night, I wrote up a special invitation to my father, asking if he would go out with me on a special "date" the next evening.
"My father responded by picking up flowers on his way home from work, then brushing off and putting on his only nice suit--usually reserved for weddings or funerals. “After all,” he said, “it’s not often you get to go out with the `belle of the ball.’”
"We went to a local restaurant and had hamburgers and chocolate milkshakes. Then we went to see a show, and we walked home together, arm in arm.
"I’ll never forget how he hugged me when we got home, and how he told me he loved me, prayed for me and was proud of me."
"Looking at those ticket stubs and faded rose from a special night nearly half a century ago, Sara realized how the power of that memory had warmed her days and encouraged her heart through all the intervening years. No matter what others may have thought of her, her father thought she was the "belle of the ball." No matter what she accomplished or failed to accomplish, she could still close her eyes and see the pride glistening in her father’s eyes."
As fathers, we have great power with our wife and our children. How can we use our power to build relationships and to help them become the best people they can be?
We will not gain our children by using the power we have as men or by the power we have because we are the head of the home or the power we have because of our place in society. We will be most effective with the power of love.
Jesus was the Son of God. He had power over the wind and the waves; he had power over life and death. And yet in his relationship with the disciples and others around him, he set aside that power and used the power of love.
The Pharisees expected a power Messiah, Jesus had that kind of power, but he also had power to change lives through love and kindness. He used the personal power of love in order to always seek our best. How did Jesus do that? How can we as fathers do that? Although I am addressing fathers, these are great ways for us to build into other’s lives in any relationship.
We know that the Bible tells children to honor their parents. But have we ever realized that it also encourages us to honor our children?
Jesus is our example. How did Jesus treat others? When the society he lived in treated women as little more than property, Jesus honored women by giving them a place in his kingdom and discussing God’s truth with them. In John 4:9 Jesus had a theological discussion with the Samaritan woman. It began like this: “The Samaritan woman said to him, ‘You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)’” Yet Jesus did talk to her – a Samaritan and a woman! He honored women in a society that did not.
But Jesus also honored children. When the people were bringing children to Jesus to have him bless them, the disciples tried to protect Jesus. But Jesus honored the children, not only by having them come, but also by inviting them to sit on his lap and blessing them. We read in Matthew 19:14, 15, “Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’ When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there.”
How can we honor our children? The essence of honoring is to let them know that they count. How can we do that?
One way is to build security into their lives. One of the most destructive insecurities for many children today is that they are fearful that their parents won’t stay together. They have friends whose parents are separated or divorced and they wonder if it will happen to their own parents. That is why it is so important that as parents we let our children know that as their parents we love each other and that we are committed to each other for life. We have heard it before, but it bears repeating - the greatest gift you can give your children is to love your wife.
All children need regular affirmation. We have sometimes heard it said that if you praise a child too much he will become proud. I believe that often it works exactly the opposite. A child who lacks praise will try any way to get it. If no one speaks well of them, they will boast about themselves. A child, who is regularly affirmed, knows that she or he is worthy and so does not need to boast. Affirmation does not build self aggrandizement, it builds self esteem.
We as fathers have great power to build up our children and one of the best ways we can do that is to honor them.
A further way of using our power to build is to engage in good communication.
Jesus was an expert communicator. He was not weak and could speak what needed to be said when it was necessary. But he was also compassionate and spoke words of love to those around him. We see the heart of Jesus in Matthew 9:36 where we read, “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Good communication begins with a heart of compassion.
Another aspect of good communication is patience. One of the powers of men is the power to fix things. We don’t mind if people notice that we can fix anything. We are good at figuring things out and arriving quickly at a solution and fixing a problem. Relationships are not often as easily fixed. When I play Ping Pong, I have learned some pretty fancy shots and I try to use them to beat my opponent with a quick spike or a tricky spin. When I play with Carla, however, I can’t beat her with that method. The only way I have a chance with her is if I play a patient game. The quick fix doesn’t work. Often we want to fix problems in relationships the same way we fix our car or try to win a ping pong game, but it doesn’t work. Good communication means that we need to be patient and allow time for listening. James 1:19 reminds us, "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,"
We have at our disposal the power of words. Will we use them to build?
When the people brought the little children to Jesus we read in Mark 10:13, 16, “People were bringing little children to Jesus to have him touch them and he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them."
Touch can be a very powerful way of encouraging others. Even simple things like a handshake or a hand on the shoulder can encourage someone. In the family, touch is healing and building and greatly needed today. A hug or even half a hug are wonderful ways of using the power of our hands to build our children. Words are not enough. We need to show our children in physical ways that we love them.
Of course touch needs to be appropriate. In our world today touch has been used to hurt too often and so we need to make sure that we use appropriate touch which can be so healing.
Some people have no problem giving a hug, but others find it uncomfortable. What may simply be expressed as “that is how I am” may be interpreted by children as “you don’t care.” Touch is powerful and can build powerfully and is a great blessing and so should not be ignored as a means of blessing our children.
Regular Emotional Bonding Experiences
Over the last ten years or so, my brother and I have met for lunch as often as it suits us. Two weeks ago, I called him and asked if he had time for lunch. We had not met for quite a while and although we have been together at family gatherings, it seems that we don’t really get to talk with each other much at those events. I felt as if we hadn’t had a good talk for a while and so we met for lunch. We always enjoy getting caught up and we have built a closer relationship by having lunch together. I read somewhere that "deep friendships come in the context of doing something else together."
Jesus engaged in this type of relationship building with his disciples. They went with him wherever he went and they got to know him and he taught them in the context of life. One story which illustrates this is the story of the storm at sea in Mark 4:35-41, "That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along in the boat. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" As they were together in the boat, they got to know Jesus in a whole new way.
In order to use our power as fathers to build, let us take the time for emotional bonding experiences-working together, eating together, playing together and so on. These are all ways we can use to express the power of love.
Evident Consistent Love for God
One of the most impressive things about Jesus is the relationship he had with his Father. It was clearly evident that he loved the Father and that the Father loved him. In Matthew 11:27, Jesus said, “All things have been committed to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and those to whom the Son chooses to reveal him." In that passage, we realize that Jesus had a very close relationship with His Father. Where did that relationship come from? In Matthew 14:23 we read that “After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.” Jesus had a very close relationship with God because he spent time with God. This relationship was seen by the disciples and had a powerful influence on them.
Jesus developed his relationship with God and demonstrated to the disciples what such a relationship looked like. We can use our power as fathers, indeed as parents to show our children the right way to have a relationship with God. If our relationship with God is close and evident, we will show our children how to have such a relationship.
Conclusion
Jesus had great power, but he was among us as a servant. As men, we have great power, but on this Father’s Day, I would like to invite you as fathers to use your power as a servant in your family.
In the book, “What Kids Need Most in a Dad,” Tim Hansel says, “Home – Where servant leadership is needed most.” – like Jesus. Then in responding to the question, “What is servant leadership?” he answers, “a servant father is more concerned with how he sees than with how he looks.” “A servant father does not say, ‘Get going,’ but instead he says, ‘let’s go.” “A servant father listens as much as he speaks.”
As Fathers, may we imitate Jesus so that as our children imitate us, they will also learn to imitate Jesus.
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