Forgiveness

Introduction

“A man lay on his deathbed, harassed by fear because he had harboured hatred against another. He sent for the individual with whom he had had a disagreement years before; he then made overtures of peace. The two of them shook hands in friendship. But as the visitor left the room, the sick man roused himself and said, "Remember, if I get over this, the old quarrel stands." G. Ray Jordan quoted in James S. Hewett, Illustrations Unlimited

Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other…” and Colossians 3:13 says, “…forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.” These verses are written to churches and the point is that they are not just nice, general, pious platitudes. The command is written for people who hurt each other and need to obey this command when it is hard to do so. Yet forgiveness is very important. Neil Anderson, in “The Bondage Breaker” says, “Most of the ground that Satan gains in the lives of Christians is due to un-forgiveness.” In saying this, he refers to II Corinthians 2:10,11 where un-forgiveness is identified as one of the schemes Satan uses to destroy people of faith.

Forgiveness is hard to live yet it is commanded and necessary, so let us talk about it.

Forgiveness Is Hard

We all understand how hard forgiveness is. I doubt if there is a person here who hasn’t struggled to forgive another. What makes it so hard and why do we have to get beyond that and do it anyway?

Because We Are Angry

The first thing that happens when we experience a wrong done or are hurt by someone is that we become angry.

Anger is good and very important. Without anger, there would be no passion about anything and evil and injustice would flourish. However, anger is also very dangerous. Anger is dangerous because there is an inverse relationship between anger and intelligence. The higher our anger rises, the less ability we have to make good, rational and wise decisions. Anger is dangerous because if we react quickly out of anger, in our state of diminished intelligence, we usually make serious mistakes.

Properly considered, anger should be looked at like an alarm bell. If the smoke alarm goes off in our house, we usually do not dash madly out of the house. We investigate what is causing the bell to ring, deal with it if we can and shut it off. Anger should be looked at like that. If anger arises, we should investigate what is causing it, deal with it if we can and shut it off.

But anger, and the lack of clear thinking that goes with it, makes it difficult to forgive.

Because We Want Revenge

The feeling which quickly follows anger when we have been wronged is the desire for revenge.

In the Old Testament, God recognized the desire people have to seek revenge. Very early in human history, it became clear that revenge was an escalating affair. In Genesis 4:23, Lamech is quoted as saying, “I have killed a man for wounding me.” That is the problem with revenge. We want the person who has hurt us to pay and to pay well for the damage done. In order to limit vengeance, God gave the law of eye for eye and tooth for tooth. The problem, however, is that even if we are absolutely just in seeking revenge and stick to eye for eye, and tooth for tooth, which is very difficult, we still end up with a blind and toothless population.

Even if we can get over our anger and desire for revenge, we still find it hard to forgive because we want justice. A legitimate question we ask when wronged is, “How can the person who wronged me get away with it?” What they have done is not just, it is not right and if I forgive them, they will be getting away with an injustice. How can we allow such an evil thing to be permitted?

In spite of these challenges, Jesus has called us to leave vengeance and justice up to God. Romans 12:19 says, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

It is hard for us to overcome our desire for revenge and justice and that makes it difficult for us to forgiven.

Because Forgiveness Is Costly

The other thing which makes forgiveness so difficult is that if we do forgive, it will cost us dearly.

David Augsburger, in the book, “70x7, The Freedom of Forgiveness,” writes, forgiveness is “…not tolerance; it’s not make believe; it’s not your little game of winking at hurts. It’s something much, much deeper.”

If we choose to forgive someone, we will have to bear the cost of the wrong done to us. Augsburger gives one illustration. He says, “If I break a priceless heirloom that you treasure and you forgive me, you bear the loss and I go free.”

James Buswell says, “No one ever really forgives another, except he bears the penalty of the other’s sin against him.”

Loss is a difficult thing for us to bear. The loss of property, the loss of ability through illness, the loss of a loved one are difficult losses to accept. Whatever we lose when we forgive is also a hard thing to bear and makes forgiveness very difficult.

Forgiveness Is Possible

If forgiveness is that hard, why do it? How is it possible to overcome our own passions and the injustice of the situation? How can we afford to bear the cost of another’s wrong?

Because God Is Just

Forgiveness is possible when we trust the justice of God. The story of Joseph is an amazing story of forgiveness. He was probably abused and wronged about as badly as anyone can be, and by his own brothers. They hated him, demonstrated their hatred by threatening to kill him and then sold him into slavery. Years later, after he had been reconciled to them and after their father passed away, the brothers, filled with guilt for what they had done, went to Joseph and asked him to forgive them. The story appears in Genesis 50:15-21 and in verse 19, Joseph responds to their request with the statement, “Am I in the place of God?”

In saying this, we see his reasoning for why he had been able to forgive his brothers. He understood that even the evil which they did to him was used of God to bring about the salvation of their people. His trust in the goodness and justice of God allowed him to freely forgive them.

Our trust in God, who is love, who will make things right, makes it possible for us to forgive those who wrong us.

Because of Love

As Christians, we are the objects of an amazing love. Romans 5:8 tells us “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Having been loved so amazingly by God, we have been called to live with a similar love, not only for our friends and relatives, but even for our enemies. That love is made possible by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 5:5 says, “God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Being loved, being empowered to love and being called to love makes it possible for us to forgive those who hurt us. It allows us to consider the other person rather than just our hurt and concerns.

Augsburger writes about how such love works in forgiveness. He says, “The grace of forgiveness is to care more about a person than about what he has done.” “forgiveness is to…grant freedom,” it “releases the offender without making him suffer.”

The unique love which we as Christians have makes it possible for us to overcome anger and hatred and to choose to love even those who don’t deserve it.

Because We Are Forgiven

The most powerful reason why it is possible for us to forgive is because we have been forgiven by God. Matthew 18:21-35 is the story of the unforgiving servant. It begins as Peter asks the question, “How often should I forgive?” Peter was very generous. The Rabbi’s had a rule that you should forgive a person 3 times. Peter offered to more than double the Rabbinic generosity to 7 times. But Jesus multiplied that to such an extent that, as Augsburger says, forgiveness is “qualitative not quantitative.”

In explaining the importance and possibility of forgiveness, Jesus told the story. A man had a debt that was so great it was impossible to pay back. The annual income of Herod, the king, was about 900 talents. Clearly an amount of 10,000 talents was impossible to pay off. As the debtor pleaded with the king to forgive the debt, vowing to pay it off even though it was quite clear that that would never happen, the king responded by cancelling the debt. What freedom! What joy to be released of this burden! The story then goes on to tell us that the debtor went to a person who owed him a relatively small amount and demanded payment and refused to accept any excuses. His clear injustice in not forgiving the small amount when he had been forgiven a huge amount was punished by the king.

The point Jesus was making was that if we do not forgive, then we have no concept of what God has done for us. It shows that we think that we are acceptable to God because of our goodness instead of being acceptable because we have been forgiven a debt we could not in any way repay. Thus, forgiveness is absolutely imperative for those who have been forgiven by God. When we see it in this light, we also recognize that forgiveness is possible.

Because It Is The Only Path To Freedom

Another thing which makes forgiveness possible is that it is the only path to our own freedom.

Myron Augsburger tells the story the bishop of a church in the days when they still went to church by horse and buggy. After church, he got into his buggy and found that the horses could not pull it. He looked in the back and noticed that the buggy had been piled full of rocks. He got out, unloaded the rocks and went home. Years later, two men, came to him and confessed what they had done. The bishop laughed and said, “Do you men mean to tell me that you’ve been carrying those rocks around all of these years? Why, I threw them out years ago and forgot about it.”

In The Bondage Breaker, Anderson says, “If you don’t let offenders off your hook, you are hooked to them and the past…”

If we are unwilling to forgive, we remain bound to that which we will not forgive. We are the ones in bondage. Forgiveness is possible when we realize that it is the only path to freedom.

How Do We Forgive?

I occasionally watch the program Frontiers of Construction. They often describe construction projects which seem impossible, but are done anyway – like the dike systems in Holland which protect the land from tidal inflow, but also allow for rain runoff to go into the ocean. The thing that makes the show interesting is how they do something which seems almost impossible.

Forgiveness is like that. It seems almost impossible. So how do we do it?

Acknowledge The Wrong Done

The first mistake we often make in contemplating forgiveness is that we consider that it means that we have to overlook the wrong. Often we may want to say, “forget it, no problem.” That is not true forgiveness. True forgiveness begins when we acknowledge that we are angry and that a serious injustice has been done to us. Forgiveness will not happen adequately if we do not admit that we have been both wronged and deeply hurt.

The first step to forgiveness is to say, first of all within ourselves and then to the person who comes to ask for forgiveness, “what was done was wrong. I am hurt and I am angry.”

Remember That We Are Forgiven

The second step is to remember that we are forgiven. We have already looked at this, but it is an essential step in actually forgiving.

In his commentary on Mark, Alan Cole says, “If we don’t forgive, it shows that we have “no consciousness of the grace that we ourselves have received, and thus that we are expecting to be heard on our own merits.”

George Herbert wrote, “He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven.”

Jesus puts it this way in Matthew 6:14,15, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ^15 But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

Choose To Forgive

Beginning with these two perspectives gives forgiveness integrity. If we acknowledge the wrong done, it means that we are not simply glossing over our feelings and dismissing the wrong. If we recognize that we are people who have been forgiven it means that we can go on to the next step of actually forgiving.

This means that we will forgive in spite of the fact that we do not feel like it, but will rather choose to forgive.

“Years after her concentration camp experiences in Nazi Germany, Corrie ten Boom met face to face one of the most cruel and heartless German guards that she had ever contacted. He had humiliated and degraded her and her sister. He had jeered and visually raped them as they stood in the delousing shower. Now he stood before her with hand outstretched and said, "Will you forgive me?" She writes: "I stood there with coldness clutching at my heart, but I know that the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart. I prayed, Jesus, help me! Woodenly, mechanically I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me and I experienced an incredible thing. The current started in my shoulder, raced down into my arms and sprang into our clutched hands. Then this warm reconciliation seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes. 'I forgive you, brother,' I cried with my whole heart. For a long moment we grasped each other's hands, the former guard, the former prisoner. I have never known the love of God so intensely as I did in that moment!” Quoted in James S. Hewett, Illustrations Unlimited

Forgiveness is a choice. It is something which we do not feel first, but something we choose first.

As we make this choice, we must make another choice and that is the choice to bear the cost of the forgiveness. Neil Anderson says, “Forgiveness is agreeing to live with the consequences of another person’s sin.” The greatest example of bearing a wrong done is Jesus. When he was put to death on the cross, he bore the cost of all of the wrongs of all of the people in the world and so released us of the guilt of our wrongdoing.

This kind of a choice begins in the mind but it may take a while for our feelings to follow. As our feelings keep rising even after we have made the choice, it becomes difficult because we may wonder if we have actually fully forgiven the person. At that point we need to remember that we have made the choice and we need to stick to the choice. Eventually the feelings will also follow the choice we make. We will probably not be able to forget and forgiveness is not forgetting, rather it is, as we have already said, the choice not to hold the wrong against the person. Although we may not feel like it, we must continue to live by that choice.

David Augsburger says, “Forgiveness is a free gift of love or it is nothing of value. It is never a receipt for payment in full. It is an undeserved pardon. An unwarranted release.” Such a release raises a question about forgiveness which I am still struggling with and that is the nature of a continuing relationship with the person who has wronged us. For example, if we loan our lawn mower to a neighbour and he wrecks it, comes back, asks forgiveness and we forgive him and he asks to borrow our new lawn mower and we loan it to him and he wrecks it, does forgiveness mean that we keep on loaning him our lawn mower 70x7 even though he keeps wrecking it? If forgiveness means not holding the past against a person, it would suggest that we should. On the other hand, is it a loving thing for us to help another person refuse to learn responsibility? Is it wise to send a child or a woman back into an abusive situation? Wisdom would suggest that we ought not to do these things. I admit that I am still wrestling with this, but perhaps the way to answer this question is to consider what is the loving thing to do for all concerned.

As you listen to this it may seem, in your mind, that you know all this in your head, you know it is the path to freedom, you know it is a choice which must be made because you have been forgiven, but it is still very difficult. David Augsburger asks, “How do you forgive…when the cost is staggering, the pain unbearable, and your own anger still swelling?” He answers, “You can’t” but continues by saying, “The secret is God working in, you working out in life.” He quotes Philippians 2:12,13 to show us the way, “Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed…continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.”

Conclusion

The thing which prompted me to write this message was a story I read in the Christian Week newspaper. Sokreaska Himm received an honorary degree from Providence College this spring. The newspaper tells his story. He grew up in Cambodia. “After two years of near starvation and forced labour at the hands of the Khmer Rouge, Himm’s 11 siblings and their parents were taken by soldiers to an open grave. As his family members were clubbed and beaten to death one by one, 13 year old Sokreaska watched the killers in silence as he lay on his dying father in the grave. At nightfall, Himm regained consciousness and struggled to pull himself out from under his family. Left with deep emotional trauma, Himm faced a life of bitterness and anger. Thirteen years later, his conversion to Christianity set him on a pursuit for the meaning of forgiveness.” He has written the book “After the Heavy Rain” and writes in it that he “hopes that survivors of any kind will find his story an encouragement to face the greatest decision of their life: whether or not to forgive.” He writes that he embarked on a “difficult journey of forgiving his family’s killers – in person. It was only much later that Himm returned to their village and gave them scarves and Bibles as a sign of his own forgiveness.” “…after years of suffering, Himm says he is finally at peace.”

Forgiveness, even after the most horrible wrongs, is possible! If you need to forgive, do it soon.

On a cold winter evening a man suffered a heart attack and after being admitted to the hospital, asked the nurse to call his daughter. He explained, "You see, I live alone and she is the only family I have." The nurse went to phone the daughter. The daughter was quite upset and shouted, "You must not let him die! You see, Dad and I had a terrible argument almost a year ago. I haven't seen him since. All these months I've wanted to go to him for forgiveness. The last thing I said to him was 'I hate you."' The daughter cried and then said, "I'm coming now. I'll be there in thirty minutes."

The patient went into cardiac arrest, and code 99 was alerted. The nurse prayed, "O God, his daughter is coming. Don't let it end this way." The efforts of the medical team to revive the patient were fruitless. The nurse observed one of the doctors talking to the daughter outside the room. She could see the pathetic hurt in her face. The nurse took the daughter aside and said, "I'm sorry." The daughter responded, "I never hated him, you know. I loved him, And now I want to go see him." The nurse took her to the room, and the daughter went to the bed and buried her face in the sheets as she said good-bye to her deceased father. The nurse, as she tried not to look at this sad good-bye, noticed a scrap of paper on the bed table. She. picked it up and read: "My dearest Janie, I forgive you. I pray you will also forgive me. I know that you love me. I love you, too. Daddy."