Resolving Conflict

Introduction

Fights are common in hockey and if you have ever been to a professional game you know that some people are actually there hoping to see a fight. I played hockey for about 25 years. I started when I was 29 and quit a few years ago and in all that time I was never in a fight. That is not to say that I never had conflict or got angry. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t verbally confront people. In fact, I have to confess that a few times I preached at people right on the ice.

I hate the feeling when I am at odds with someone. I know that my nature would be to confront people verbally, but I often back off because I have found that that doesn’t really help. The on ice sermons are not really a good way to handle conflict. I have often wondered, in conflict situations, whether there is not a better way to handle things.

At our ministerial retreat in February, we had Dave Dyck from Mediation Services teach us about conflict resolution. One of the exercises he had us do was that he put a long piece of tape on the floor and had us pair off on opposite sides of the tape. Then he secretly told the group on one side of the tape that it was their task to get the person on the other side to come to their side of the tape. Then he took the other group aside and secretly told them the same thing. Well, it was interesting to see how people tried to accomplish this. It was very funny when two of the most petite, caring, gentle ladies from the ministerial tried to physically drag each other across the line. The purpose of the exercise was to try to find ways to resolve an impasse. By the end of the day we had learned some important lessons about resolving conflict and I would like to share some of these with you today.

There are three main things I would like to say today. First of all that conflict is neither good nor bad, but it depends on how we handle it. Secondly, I would like to demonstrate how conflict works and show you some of the things which happen in conflict. Finally, I would like to share with you a model for resolving conflict.

We will look at some examples of conflict in Scripture, but mostly I will share some of what we learned in the seminar. All of this is to think practically about the command in Ephesians 4:3 where we are told to “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Conflict: Good or Bad?

Feelings about Conflict

In the material we received we learned that “Conflict is often understood as bad because it is associated with unpleasant emotions and disruption in people’s lives.” That is something we can all identify with. For me there is an uncomfortable feeling right down in my stomach. I don’t like that feeling. We experience a lot of negative feelings when it comes to conflict and so most people believe that conflict is bad. Some people live by the understanding that a good person doesn’t rock the boat. Someone might believe that if you are in a good relationship with someone, you would never have conflict. Some people’s experience of conflict is that it always involves verbal or physical aggression. There are some people who approach conflict from the perspective that they always have to win. On the other hand, some people are afraid that if they raise any objections, they won’t be liked.

These are the feelings and beliefs that many of us experience when there is conflict. They are difficult feelings and we don’t like them, but are they the whole story?

Conflict Is Inevitable

Anyone who believes that in good relationships there is no conflict has never been married. In fact in all human relationships, conflicts are inevitable. Gil Rendle says, “Conflict is having more than one idea in the same room.”

One could even say that conflict arises out of the incredible variety with which God has created the universe. God has created human beings in His image, but he has also created them so that no two of are alike. In the Daily Bread on Friday there was a story about two women who viewed the Blue Heron’s in very different ways. One liked them because of their beauty and incredible wing span. The other hated them because they were eating fish out of her pond. Since we are different and have different perspectives, it is inevitable that we will not agree on everything and that there will be conflicts.

Sometimes that is a bad thing. When conflicts escalate to hatred and anger and division, that is not a good thing. However, it is not the conflict itself that is the problem. The material we received at the seminar indicated that, “Conflict is a natural and inevitable part of life and happens in the best personal and professional relationships. In itself, conflict is neither bad nor good. It can be constructive if handled well, destructive if handled poorly.”

Conflict Can Be Important

Sometimes conflict can even be important as a way of leading us to deeper relationships. In the material we received it says, “Many of us will avoid conflict with the intention of keeping the peace. Often the result of this can be superficial community...”

If conflict is handled properly, it can develop even deeper relationships. If conflicts are always swept under the rug, after a while the rug gets lumpy and everyone needs to watch out that they don’t trip over it. Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” If we clean up the conflict, relationships can be opened and comfortable.

Conflict Can Be Good

Not only can conflict be important for developing deeper relationships, it can also be a good thing for discerning truth.

In Acts 15, there is a story of conflict which happened in the early church. As Gentiles became Christians, the Jewish Christians struggled to know how they would be part of the church. Would they be required to observe the Jewish laws? Were all the laws relevant to them? These are serious questions. When some of the Jewish Christians from Jerusalem went to Antioch, a Gentile church, to insist that Gentile Christians should be circumcised, Paul did not agree and so a serious conflict arose.

The leaders of the church in Antioch were sent to Jerusalem to have a conversation with the Apostles and hopefully find a way through this conflict. At risk was Christian unity. At risk was basic Christian theology that the gospel is for all on the basis of faith. As they discussed and went through the process of resolving the conflict, they came to a new understanding of how the Gentiles should be Christian and they also developed some important theological truths about what it meant to be Christian. In his commentary, FF Bruce calls this conflict, “Epoch making.” In the end they were able to say, “It seemed good to the Holy Spirit and to us.” So the conflict turned out to be a good thing to help the church develop some very important truths.

Therefore, we should not fear conflict as much as we do. It can be bad, but it can also be good. It can build community and can also help us understand God’s truth.

Analyzing Conflict

A Conflict Illustrated

So the key becomes, how can we handle conflict well? How can we respond to conflict rather than reacting to it? If we understand what happens in conflict, perhaps we can move towards allowing conflict to be a way of growth and blessing.

Those of you who have lived in this community for a long side are familiar with the historical division between the EMC churches on this side of the Red River and those on the other side. In Low German we often hear about this as “dit sied” and “jant sied.” Well, I have a true “dit sied,” “jant sied” story for you from the Bible.

Joshua led the people of Israel across the Jordan River in order to conquer the Promised Land. During the 40 years in which they had been wandering in the wilderness, they had conquered a number of nations on the east side of the Jordan River. At that time the tribes of Reuben, Gad and the half tribe of Manasseh had asked if they could settle on the East side of the river. They inquired of God and were told that if the warriors went along across the Jordan to help conquer the land, they would be permitted to settle in that area. This is what happened and when we come to Joshua 22, we find that the land had been conquered and they had peace. Now was the time for the two and a half tribes to return across to the east side of the Jordan and go and settle their land. Joshua encouraged them, in Joshua 22:5 to keep the commands of Moses and to “love the Lord your God and walk in all his ways.” He then blessed them and sent them away.

As they came to the Jordan River and were about to cross the Jordan an assumption, rose up in their minds that perhaps the day would come when the rest of Israel on the west side of the river would forget that they belonged together. They feared that the river would become a dividing point that would cause the main group to reject them and refuse to allow them to worship in their tent of meeting. This is understandable because water can divide people quite naturally. So in order to make sure that everyone would know that they belonged together, they built a large altar which Joshua 22:10 calls an “imposing altar.”

The people of Israel from the west side of the Jordan saw this huge altar and they made an assumption. They thought that the two and a half tribes were establishing another place of worship. They were terrified that God would punish the whole nation for this disobedience to God’s law and so they gathered an army in order to punish them. However, instead of going right to war, they sent some people to talk to them and see what was going on. They came and we read in verse 16 that they accused the two and a half tribes and said to them, “How could you break faith with the God of Israel like this?” They explained how such a sin would surely bring the wrath of God and the whole nation would be under God’s judgment.

The two and a half tribes responded, patiently and assured the whole group that they were not rebelling against God. They agreed that if they were, they should be punished, but they were not doing that at all. Instead, they explained, that they were making a stone of witness so that the people of the rest of Israel would not forget that they belonged to the nation.

This explanation was accepted and the truth that they were one nation was affirmed. I think that the conflict became an important part of reconciliation and a point was made that carried into the future. It also was an occasion to reinforce allegiance to God and to the proper worship of God. I don’t recall off hand that the Jordan ever became a dividing line between the people of Israel.

The story shows us quite clearly how conflict often works and demonstrates the points at which a conflict can become a division. In this case it worked out well, but there are so many ways in which it could have gone wrong.

What Happens In Conflict?

At the seminar we were shown a model to help us understand conflict, which I think is very helpful. In a conflict, there are some things which happen in the public arena and there some which happen in the private arena. That is, there are things that are known by all and there are things that are known only to ourselves.

That which is in the public arena is the action. In a conflict it is not usually difficult to discern what the action was. In the story above, the offending action was that the two and a half tribes built an altar.

What is in the private arena is, first of all, the intent. The intent of the people who built the altar was to make sure that there would be unity in all of Israel. This intent, however, was not known to the rest of Israel.

The other thing in the private arena is the effect of the action. The effect of the action on the rest of Israel was that they were afraid that the whole nation would be destroyed by the wrath of God. They feared for their lives because, as they describe Joshua 22:17-20, in the past the sinful act of one man or one group had resulted in the destruction of many people.

In this story, we also see very clearly where a conflict can fall apart and become a disaster.

Problems can quickly escalate when we assume intent. When the altar was built, the people of the rest of Israel assumed that the intent was to build the altar for the purpose of setting up a rival place of worship. The assumption was wrong, but they acted on that wrong assumption and were ready to go to war. If they had not gone to talk to the people first, there would have been bloodshed and the nation truly would have been divided.

Problems can also escalate when we don’t think about the effect of our action. The two and a half tribes did not think about what effect their action would have on the people of the rest of Israel. Fortunately they talked and became aware of their concern and agreed that it was a legitimate concern and disaster was averted.

This is what so often happens in conflict. What is known and recognized is the offending action. The problems begin when people assume that they know what the intent was, but just as in the story above, they are often completely wrong. On the other hand, the action often has an effect on people, but those who do the action don’t realize what that effect is. If effect is not known and if intent is assumed, it is easy to see how quickly a conflict can become something that divides.

Responding to Conflict

Common Responses

When conflict occurs, there are some common responses, but many of them do not resolve the issue or help the situation. I have often wrestled to know how best to respond in a conflict.

One common response is to pretend that nothing is wrong. We smile no matter what. Sometimes that is the right thing to do. Some things are just so small that they are not worth confronting. But if we make that decision, we better stick to it. If we choose not to confront the person who has wronged us, then we better be sure that it will not become a cause of bitterness or anger and we had better not bring it up again. Otherwise the issue is not resolved and bitterness may begin.

Another common response is to speak to someone else about it. This may release some of the pressure within us, but it also creates some other issues. It does not resolve the conflict, it may reinforce wrong assumptions and it has the danger of spreading slander because sometimes we don’t know when to stop venting.

Striking out at the person who has wronged us, either physically or verbally or in some underhanded way is a very powerful temptation. When we do that, we may derive some satisfaction, but the problem is that now the conflict escalates and things just get worse. The American military philosophy of “first strike” or “shoot first and ask questions later” clearly increases conflict. In smaller conflicts between people it has the same effect.

I have heard people who are quick to blame themselves and rebuke themselves for ever letting the conflict happen. There are a lot of problems with that. It amounts to being blind to the wrongs done and it also opens the way for bitterness. We blame ourselves, but we have a suspicion that we are not really wrong. This way the other person may continue to repeat the wrong done and never learn from their mistake.

It is also easy to become sarcastic. Instead of admitting that something is wrong, our jabs come from the side and the result is that the issue is never clearly confronted and we also may be stating our sarcasm as an expression of heart bitterness.

Sometimes we determine that we will go and talk to the person, but if we do not do that well, we can also contribute to an escalation of conflict rather than peace. When the rest of Israel came to talk to the two and a half tribes, they came with “both guns blazing.” They accused them of apostasy and rebellion. If the two and a half tribes had not been so gracious and patient and if they had not clearly corrected them it could have turned out badly.

Even spiritual exercises like journaling and praying do not necessarily address the issue. They are good things to do and certainly must be part of the process, but they do not in themselves solve the problem.

Conflict is a frustrating thing. I admit that at one time or another I have tried all of these things and have found that they do not really help to solve the problem.

A Model for Responding Well

How can we get through conflict well? Ephesians 4:15 encourages us that we should “speak the truth in love,” but how do we do that practically?

The model which I mentioned a moment ago in which we recognize intentàactionàeffect can help us organize our thinking to respond to conflict in a helpful way. We know that there are two sides to every issue. This helps us realize that we do not have the whole truth, but it also helps us understand that we do have some of the truth. Any good model of conflict resolution must acknowledge both of these things.

If we have been wronged or hurt by the action of another person, how can we respond well?

If assuming intent is one of the problems which escalates conflict, a good step to conflict resolution is to go directly to the person and ask them what their intent was.

Here is a good way to do that. Go to the person. Ask them, “Can we talk?” Then, gently and openly remind them of the action and without judgment or accusation in our voice, ask them “what was your intent in that action.” If the rest of Israel had gone to the two and a half tribes and instead of accusing them of rebellion, would have asked them, “what were you intending to do when you built this altar.” They could have saved a lot of anger and the time they spent gathering for war. A clear explanation of intent may well settle the conflict right there.

But that is not the only part of it. After carefully hearing the response, then it would be up to us to say to the person something like, “you may not be aware of it, but when you did that, this is the effect it had on me.” If the rest of Israel had said to the two and a half tribes, “When you built the altar, we were afraid that you were rebelling against God and we were afraid that we would be destroyed by God’s wrath because of your action” it would have helped them understand the effect of their action. In the end, that is what happened. In such an exchange, you can see that the issue would have been cleared up very quickly and the fear would have been removed and the two and a half tribes could have, easily and gracefully apologized for the effect it had on the rest of Israel.

We can also use this method if we are the ones who have hurt another person. If we feel that we have been the offender, we can go to the other person and ask, “Can we talk?” Then we can explain, “Yesterday, when I did such and such, I noticed that you seemed a little distance. What was the effect of my action on you?” Once again, it would then be time to listen and hear what the effect of the action was. Once you have listened well, then you would have the chance to assure the person that you did not intend to wrong them.

What I like about this model is that it comes in humility and not with a judgmental attitude, it opens the door for reconciliation, it removes false assumptions, it allows the effect to be expressed and it can build understanding.

Conclusion

As soon as there is more than one person in a relationship – you can’t have a relationship with only yourself – there will be conflict. The material we were given says, “In any relationship between two or more people, differences are bound to arise.” Therefore, in a church, we will have conflicts. If we can handle our conflicts well, we have the opportunity to build greater understanding of God’s truth and engage in deep and genuine relationships.

That is God’s will for His church! My prayer for us is that we will look to God and learn how to “keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”

Reconcilable Differences

Introduction

Last week we celebrated Mother’s Day and a few birthdays at our daughter’s place in Winnipeg. They have a ping pong table and our 3 year old grandson asked me to play “pong pong” with him. He would stand at one end of the table with his paddle and his head just sticking up above the end of the table (remember he is three). I hit the ball at him and he tried to hit it back or he tried to hit the ball to me. Of course balls were flying everywhere, but we were having a good time. At one time, I threw the ball at him and he just stood there and didn’t move and I hit him right above the eye. He started crying and I felt awful. For a little while he didn’t want anything to do with me, but it wasn’t very long before we were playing “pong pong” again.

As adults we are not always as good at being reconciled. In a church that is 135 years old, as this one is this year, there is a long history and in that history there are, not surprisingly, incidents in which people have hurt one another. In the 9 years that I have been here, I have heard some of the stories of hurts. I have heard suspicions expressed and jealousy hinted at. I have sensed anger just under the surface and heard about injustices which were not resolved. I have heard about conflicts that seem to have been resolved, but quickly are mentioned again when new stresses appear. I have also become aware of significant theological differences among people in our midst.

The stuff that I have heard is told to me confidentially and it will stay confidential, but it seems that there are just so many of these mentioned that we need to talk about how we handle the differences which exist among us. Over the next two weeks, I would like to talk about differences and about conflict. Scripture has much to say about these things and I will reflect on some of those texts. In February the ministerial had a seminar on conflict resolution and we learned some very helpful things. This week, I would like to think about how the church can even continue to function with all of these conflicts in the background. I would also like to talk about some of the things the Bible has to say about our attitudes to one another when we have differences. Next week, I would like to talk about conflict and share with you a model of handling conflict which will hopefully help us get along even better than we do.

God Given Unity

One thing I have sometimes thought of is that when you think of all the potential for conflict, one might wonder how our church can even function. Does it not require unity to keep on working together?

If you put a lion and a lamb in the same cage, you will soon have unity. The lamb will become one with the lion, but will cease to exist. Unity cannot be created by power. I have a bird feeder and one day last winter there were three different birds all sitting on the feeder at the same time. It was kind of nice to see the sparrow, nuthatch and chickadee all sharing the space. There was a kind of unity in that. The unity was created by the food and when the food was gone, those three birds had nothing to do with each other. A common advantage creates unity for a while, but not in the long term.

It is truly amazing in spite of all the differences we have among us and all the conflicts which have existed over the years, that we are still able to work together, to worship together and to get along. This unity does not exist because of common advantage or because of being forced to be one. It exists because the Spirit of God creates unity in the church.

Unity Comes from the Spirit

In Ephesians 4:3 we are told, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” In a moment I want to talk about what it means to “make every effort to keep the unity,” but before we do that we need to recognize that it is the “unity of the Spirit.” I have to admit that this is something that I can’t explain. It is something which I believe because the Bible says so and it is something I believe because I have seen it happen. I am not naïve enough to think that every church in every situation will end up well and reconciled. I know that churches split. I know that Christians are sometimes unable to get along. But in spite of those realities, there is an amazing thing that happens in a church that cannot be explained by natural, human means. The fact that people from every socio-economic, educational, cultural background can love and care for each other and work together and serve together cannot be explained by anything other than that it is a work of God by His Spirit.

There is a great mystery in the kingdom of God which is that the Holy Spirit creates unity.

We Are United by a Central Reality

One of the illustrations I have sometimes heard used in regards to unity is the picture of a wheel which has spokes, like a bicycle wheel. What one observes is that the closer one comes to the center, the closer the spokes are to each other. This helps us understand another reality about unity in the body of Christ and that is that the thing which ties us together is stronger than the differences which might separate us.

That center is described in Ephesians 4:4-6 where we read, “There is one body and one Spirit— just as you were called to one hope when you were called— ^5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; ^6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.”

There is a central reality and that is that we belong to the same Father. Our “one God and Father of all” cares for each of us and leads us. We can always go to Him as a reference in any concern we have. Since we are going to the same source, it is possible for us to develop the same perspective, to grow in having the same understanding and so to live in unity. Since there is “one Spirit” we have the same central power directing our lives and so are able to live in unity.

Of course we know that we don’t always get it right away, but if we are indwelt by the same Spirit, we will eventually all be drawn to the same central understanding. Perhaps one way of looking at it is to think of a magnet. If you pass a magnet over iron filings, they will always be attracted to the magnet. Sometimes they are too far away from the magnet to be attracted right away and sometimes the force of friction or some other force will be stronger than the force of the magnet, but there is a central attraction in a magnet that will eventually draw the iron filing to it. So it is with the indwelling Spirit. His presence in us will always draw us to the same center and that is what makes unity possible.

God Gives it as We Follow Christ

Of course this unifying power assumes that we are indeed centered on Christ. In Romans 15:5 we read, “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus.” Here we see once again that unity is a gift of God. Paul prays for this gift of God for the church in Rome, but we see that it is conditional. If we choose to be centered on the one who is our center, then God will give that unity. If we put our attention on Jesus Christ and seek to follow Him, then He will lead us to Himself and will lead us to unity.

There is a story of conflict and unity in the Bible, which helps us see how God draws His children towards unity. In their first missionary journey, Paul and Barnabas had taken Mark with them. When they were planning to go back and encourage the churches which had been established on the first journey, Barnabas wanted to take Mark along, but Paul didn’t agree because Mark had abandoned them on the first journey. We read in Acts 15:39, 40, “They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord.” If that was the end of the story, we would have to say that this ended badly and there was a “sharp disagreement” which caused a parting of the ways. But, God leads His people towards unity and in later times we see that Paul had a completely different view of Mark. In Colossians 4:10 he says, “My fellow prisoner Aristarchus sends you his greetings, as does Mark, the cousin of Barnabas. (You have received instructions about him; if he comes to you, welcome him.)” Then in II Timothy 4:11 we read, “Get Mark and bring him with you, because he is helpful to me in my ministry.” This is the mystery of God creating unity.

The Demonstration of God’s Power

There is another aspect of the way in which God brings unity in the church which encourages me and may help us wrap our head around this mystery. In II Corinthians 4:7 we read, “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.”

We Have This Treasure

In October 2007 a 6.04 carat diamond was sold for $7.98 million US. It is hard to imagine something which is relatively small being worth that much. We could hold it in our hands easily. In fact it is probably the only way we could hold something worth that much money in one hand. Yet, the gospel message which God has given us to proclaim to the world, the wonderful word that Jesus died on the cross and is able to forgive our sins and give us eternal life is much more precious than this diamond. This is the greatest treasure in our world and each of us who knows Christ holds that treasure, not in our hands, but in our hearts.

In Jars of Clay

When precious diamonds are displayed, those trying to sell it will make a great effort to display it in such a way that it’s beauty is really shown. They clean it so that it shines and put it on a dark velvet cloth so it can be well seen. They shine lots of light on it so that it sparkles brightly.

God has done something totally opposite. He displays the gospel in “jars of clay.” When I was in seminary, the professor told us that an accurate translation would be “cracked pots.”

What was God thinking when he chose to display the precious gospel message in such broken vessels? The conflicts we have among us are one example of the way in which we are “jars of clay.” Once again we ask the question, “How can the precious treasure of the gospel demonstrate the grace and goodness of God when it is entrusted to such broken vessels?”

The Glory Goes to God

This church has been proclaiming the gospel in this corner of the world for 135 years. Have we been “jars of clay?” We certainly have been. Have we had conflicts? We certainly have. Do we all love each other with deep devotion? Not always. And yet, in spite of that reality over the last 135 years, how many people have come to Christ through this church? How many people have been discipled and become more like Jesus through Sunday School and youth and all the other ways we teach God’s Word? How many missionaries and pastors have been sent out from this church?

How does that happen? That is the mystery of what God does. If the precious gospel goes out successfully through the medium of cracked pots it happens only by the work and the grace of God. Therefore, as the verse says, since this can only be explained as a miracle of God, the glory goes to God. If the display of the gospel made it acceptable because the displaying vessel – His people- were so amazing, then the vessel would be glorified. But since it is not a glorious vessel, the glory must go to God and we recognize that God does something outside of the normal.

Thus, conflict will not defeat the purposes of God. Just as He gives unity, He also makes sure that the gospel is proclaimed and we need to give glory to God!

Maintaining the Unity of the Spirit

All this is not to say that we should just go on being “broken vessels.” Just because God creates unity and overcomes our brokenness, does not mean that we should not try to fix conflict.

There are so many passages in Scripture which command us to work at unity. I have already mentioned Ephesians 4:3, which says, “Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit…” I Corinthians 1:10 commands, “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.”

Next week I want to talk about the fact that conflict is not a bad thing, in fact it can be very helpful in growth. But there is a difference between conflict and division. Division is a more serious break. It is that which allows conflict to escalate into a negative thing. How can we avoid division? How can we “keep the unity of the Spirit?” There are certain attitudes which we must avoid if we are to avoid division and there are certain actions which we must take in order to build unity.

No Room for Jealousy

When Cain saw that his sacrifice was not accepted, but Abel’s was, jealousy rose up in his heart. God warned him that he should not let sin master him, but he didn’t listen and his jealousy led him to kill his brother. When the brothers of Joseph saw the special coat he had been given by his father, they became jealous. Their jealousy aroused such anger within them that they plotted to kill him, but settled for selling him as a slave. When King Saul heard the celebration song, “Saul has killed his thousands and David his ten thousands” he became jealous of David and wanted to get rid of him. When the brother of the prodigal son heard the music and discovered that there was a party for his wayward brother he became jealous and did not want to join the celebration.

It is no wonder that it says in Proverbs 27:4, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” Jealousy is insidious. When we are jealous we may believe and even say that nothing is wrong, but inside that is not the truth. It eats away at us and all of a sudden, it makes an appearance. I learned at a seminar I attended that anger is inversely proportional to intelligence. That means that the more angry we are, the more unreasonable we become. If that is true of anger and if, as Proverbs 27:4 says, “who can stand before jealousy” then jealousy is even more dangerous than anger.

That is why it is identified as a sin and something which we as followers of Jesus must avoid. Romans 13:13 instructs, “Let us behave decently, as in the daytime…not in dissension and jealousy.”

What is interesting about the stories of jealousy, which I just mentioned, is that it is indeed jealousy that is identified as the sin. We would want to know why Cain’s sacrifice was not accepted and we would want to know why Jacob gave Joseph a special coat when he knew that it could arouse jealousy. But the Bible does not answer these questions because inequality is not a sin, but jealousy is. If we allow it to fester in our hearts, we will make ourselves ripe for division. We need to admit and confess the sin of jealousy if we want to “keep the unity of the Spirit.”

Choose Not To Be Hurt

In a recent conversation, my sister-in-law mentioned a book which they were taking in a Bible study. The book is titled, "The BAIT of SATAN" by John Bevere. The premise is - you can choose to NOT be offended. On the Chapters web site the description of the book says, “The Bait of Satan exposes one of the most deceptive snares Satan uses to get believers out of the will of God-offense. Most people who are ensnared by the bait of Satan don't even realize it. Don't be fooled! You will encounter offense, and it's up to you how it will affect your relationship with God. Your response will determine your future. If offense is handled correctly, you will become stronger rather than bitter.”

There is no getting away from the fact that even though we may try to live as lovingly as possible, we are still “clay vessels” and we will hurt each other by things we say or do to each other. Of course, it goes without saying that we need to try to love as much as possible, but we can also approach this from the other side. If we are hurt by what others do, that is a choice we make. Being hurt begins when we assume that people have done things deliberately in order to hurt us. It is very dangerous and a guaranteed way to escalate conflict if we choose to be hurt by what others do.

The reason that being hurt is not necessary is that God loves us. We will be hurt if our self esteem depends on someone else liking us. We will not be as easily hurt if we are certain of God’s love for us. And of this we can be certain. One of the German songs I really like is “Gott ist die Liebe,” which means, God is love. One line in that song, translated is, “God is love, He loves me too. When we know that we are loved by God, the hurts that others do to us are not as painful because they do not strike at the core of our self esteem and we have the freedom to refuse to be hurt. When we allow ourselves to be hurt, we set ourselves up for more conflict and possibly also for division.

Remove Bitterness

Bitterness is another step by which we escalate division. When someone does something wrong or an injustice is done, it is easy and natural to become angry. Anger turned outward can become violence, but anger turned inward becomes bitterness. When we are bitter, we take our anger and put it in a box and wrap some protective tape around it and we bury it deep in our hearts.

Have you ever flown in a plane and put some of your personal toiletries in your checked luggage? From time to time you discover, when you land that the contents have leaked out because of the pressure changes. That is exactly what happens when we become bitter. We think anger is carefully and neatly locked away and taken care of, but when the pressure changes, it leaks out. Sometimes it doesn’t just leak out, it explodes and all the ugly content is spilled everywhere.

That is why the Scripture is so clear that we need to, as Ephesians 4:31 says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”

The other danger of bitterness is that it may begin as a small discomfort, but if we allow it a place within us, it grows just like weeds. Some of you speak of certain garden weeds which if you ever allow one little one in the garden, it soon becomes a major problem. Hebrews 12:15 warns us, “See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble.”

Don’t Allow Suspicion

Another great danger which multiplies strife is to assume and extrapolate. What I mean by that is what we do when we say things like – “That is just what he is like.” Or “This is not the first time he has done that.” By doing that we first of all assume that the other person has evil motives and then we paint them with that evil brush in everything they do. The Bible speaks against this in two Old Testament passages. Exodus 23:1 says, “Do not spread false reports.” Leviticus 19:16 says, “Do not go about spreading slander among your people.”

Forgive

These are all things which we need to avoid, but there is one major thing which we need to exercise in the midst of conflict so that it does not become division and that is forgiveness. The Bible has so much to say about forgiveness that we really should not miss the importance of this message. Let me remind you of one such passage. Ephesians 4:32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

As we are reminded of the importance of forgiveness, let us recognize exactly what we mean by forgiveness. Forgiveness is not sweeping a wrong done under the rug. In order to forgive, it is not good enough to say “it is OK” when we have been seriously wronged.

In accepting that a wrong was done, forgiveness, however, does not demand punishment for that wrong, but rather chooses to bear the cost of the wrong. If we are wronged and choose to forgive, the right way to do this is to say, “I was wronged” and then to say, “but I choose to accept the price and do not demand payment.”

This is what Jesus did. He did not gloss over our sin, but he paid for our sin on the cross. Whenever we want to understand forgiveness, Jesus is the example to follow.

Conclusion

Many of you are dealing with a lot of straw left in your yard after the flood. If it is not cleaned up, it will have a negative impact on your yard for years to come. That is why you are working hard to clean up.

Conflict can leave a lot of garbage in our lives and if we do not remove the bitterness, hurt feelings, suspicion and if we do not exercise forgiveness, it will leave a negative impact on our relationships for years to come. Let us work with God who gives us unity and let us do all we can to keep the unity of the Spirit.

The Honor of Parenting

Introduction

Today is a special day for some of you. You are mothers, and you rejoice at that fact. For some of you, this is the first time you have been a mother and so this day is particularly sweet. One thing I have learned about mothers is that they work hard and are willing to put out a lot of effort, often sacrificial effort for their children. You certainly deserve to be honored.

For others of you this is a difficult day. There are three things needed to have children – the desire to do so, a husband and the biological ability. If you have the desire, but don’t have a husband this can be a very difficult day. Or if you have the desire and a husband but have been unable to conceive this can be a very difficult day. Others have experienced miscarriages or the loss of children and today is a reminder of these painful events.

This puts us as a church in an interesting position. On the one hand, we have a great opportunity to bless and honor mothers and on the other hand we have the opportunity to care for people who are in pain. This reminds me of what is always true in church and that is on any given Sunday we may need to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice as it says in Romans 12:15.

But as I have pondered these things over the years I have often wondered if there is a way in which we can remove at least some of the weeping. It is right for us to have a call to honor our father and mother, but must we have a day in which we cause some in the congregation pain? How can we bring all of this together?

When I was working on the message on singleness, which I preached in March, I came across an article which helped me look at these things in a new way. I would like to share some of these thoughts with you today. I trust that as we think about these things we will with all our hearts honor our biological mothers, but that we will also open our eyes to see another level at which we can honor those who are our spiritual parents.

Perhaps some of the verses about Timothy, in the Bible, will help us to bring all this together in a way that will make this day more of a blessing. Timothy is a unique character. He was the child of a mixed marriage. We do not know the circumstances under which his Jewish mother married a Gentile man. We know that his father must have had significant influence because Timothy had not been circumcised, as was necessary for a Jew. On the other hand, we also know that his mother influenced him by teaching him the Scriptures. In II Timothy 3:15 Paul says to Timothy “from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures.” It must have been his mother who taught him God’s word.

Somewhere along the way, his mother and grandmother became Christians and through their influence Timothy also came to faith. Paul says in II Timothy 1:5, “I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.” Timothy was raised and came to faith through the influence of his mother and grandmother, but there is also another reality. In the book of Timothy, Paul begins by saying, “To Timothy my true son in the faith…” Paul was not Timothy’s biological father, but he was his spiritual father. This teaches us a valuable perspective. You don’t have to be a biological parent in order to be a spiritual parent. As we appropriately honor our biological mothers, we can also honor our spiritual parents.

Let us think a little more about this.

The Honor of Being a Biological Parent

The Blessing of Having Children

First of all I would like to reaffirm that it is a tremendous blessing to have children. God has given us the blessing of having children. God has called us to procreate. In Genesis 1:28, we read, “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.” After God destroyed the earth in the flood we read in Genesis 9:1, “Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth.”

God has set us in families and has given us the blessing of being in families. It is wonderful to have children and it is also wonderful to have grand children. This is a blessing that comes from God.

Honor Your Father and Mother

In numerous places in the Bible we see that God recognizes this blessing and honors and affirms the family.

There is a touching story in Luke 7:11-15 in which Jesus comes upon a funeral procession. We are told that the person who had died was “the only son of his mother and she was a widow.” We read in verse 13 that Jesus’ “heart went out to her” and so Jesus raised the man from the dead. Then we read in verse 15 that “Jesus gave him back to his mother.” He honored the relationship of mother and son and so affirmed that these biological relationships are a blessing from God.

When Jesus was hanging on the cross we have another story in which we see such compassion. Jesus’ mother was also there and Jesus knew that his death was causing her great pain. In John 19:25-27 we read that he said to his disciple, likely John, “Here is your mother” and that “From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.” Once again we see how Jesus valued the human relationship of parents and children and honored his own mother by caring for her even after he died.

Since God has given us this blessing and honors these relationships, we also ought to honor the relationship of parents and children. The Bible repeatedly invites us to such attitudes and actions.

Jesus accused the Pharisees in Mark 7:9-13 because they used the law to dishonor their parents. They had a law that if they dedicated something to God, it could not be used for any other purpose. They appeared very spiritual and dedicated all kinds of things to God, which they should have been using to care for their own parents. Jesus accuses them of hypocrisy and disobedience because they failed to honor their parents.

In Ephesians 6:2, we have a direct command that we should “honor your father and mother.” We quote this to children, but it is not only for young children, but also for all of us who have parents.

We are also familiar with Proverbs 31 where we have a wonderful passage in which a godly woman is honored and praised by her husband and her children. It is an example of what it means to honor our mothers. Thus we see that we must always honor those who have born us physically. It is recognition of their value in our life and it is obedience to Scripture to do so. What are you doing to honor the one who bore you?

The Honor of Being a Spiritual Parent

Desiring That Our Children Have Faith

I don’t want to take away from that, but affirm it strongly. However, I would also like to invite us to think more broadly and in order to do so, I would like to invite us to think about what is at the core of our faith in Christ.

As Christian parents, what is it we desire for our children? We love it if we have a good relationship with them. We are thankful if, as we get older, they begin to help us in areas where we can no longer help ourselves. It is wonderful to have fun with our children. We often sacrifice in order that our children will be happy. But most deeply, our desire is that they will come to know Jesus Christ and live for Him and be with Him in eternity.

This desire fits with the great commission which Jesus has given to all of us as believers when he said in Matthew 28:19-20, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, ²⁰ and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Spiritual Parents

It is our privilege as Christian parents to teach our children the way of the gospel. It is a blessing, when perhaps after telling them a bed time story, they ask us to help them receive Jesus. Many of you, when you have shared your testimony for baptism, have told how your mother or your father was the one who helped you pray to receive Christ. As parents we continue to have a great influence in showing our children the way and helping them form their faith. What a blessing that is!

Earlier I mentioned Timothy who was hugely influenced towards faith by his mother and grandmother, and yet we also read that it was Paul who was his spiritual father. This raises a new thought, which actually is described in many places in Scripture and that is that you don’t have to have biological children to be a spiritual parent.

Jesus pointed to this larger spiritual family in Matthew 12:48-50. He was being told that his mother and brothers wanted to see him, but He responded to his disciples, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50 For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” By doing this he affirmed the larger family of brothers and sisters in Christ. He acknowledged the value of this relationship as well.

Paul identified Timothy as his son in the faith, but he also had other spiritual children. In Philemon 10 he speaks about “…Onesimus, who became my son while I was in chains.”

In III John 4, John writes about a similar passion when he says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”

In some cultures and in the Old Testament we hear stories which seem to suggest that people who are not able to have children are of less value than those who have children. Isaiah 54:1, however, makes a wonderful promise when it says, “’Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,’ says the Lord.” I believe that this prophecy is fulfilled in the family of God. It tells us that you don’t have to be a biological parent in order to be a spiritual parent. In saying this, I do not in any way mean to diminish the pain of people who desire children and are not able to have them. Yet if someone is not able to be a biological parent, it is still possible to experience the blessing of being a spiritual parent.

I have seen many examples of how this can happen. I know single people who have given themselves to others in ministry which has allowed them to be parents to new Christians. I know of childless couples who have served faithfully and also find themselves in families where they are blessed and are a blessing. My prayer is that this thought can be an encouragement to those who struggle with not being biological parents, that according to Scripture, you can still have the great privilege of being spiritual parents.

Raising Spiritual “Children”

So whether we are biological parents or spiritual parents, we have the same privilege of bringing children to the Lord. Let us take a few moments to think about how we can do the task of being spiritual parents well.

This could of course be the topic of many sermons and is the topic of many books and in a few brief moments we can’t cover all that could possibly be said about this. However, there is one passage which I would like to look at today which gets at one key element.

John 21:15-17, is written in the context of Jesus’ resurrection appearances. He appeared to his disciples three times and on this third occasion, Jesus took Peter aside and had a very specific conversation with him. This conversation has a direct link to the last conversation which they had had. In that conversation, Peter had said, very firmly that he would lay down his life for Jesus. Jesus warned him that he would deny him three times before the rooster crowed. This is what happened and then Jesus died and Peter never had a chance to clear things up with Jesus. Now Jesus came to him to restore relationship and move him to future ministry.

In this process of restoration, Jesus asked Peter three times “do you love me?” There are variations in the way Jesus put the question. The first time Jesus asked, “do you love me more than these.” The question is, what does Jesus mean by “these?” Does he mean, “do you love me more than the rest of these men love me?” There is reason for asking this question because before Peter was tempted to deny Jesus, he had affirmed loudly that he loved Jesus so much that he was willing to die for him. Another way to look at this is that Jesus is asking him “do you love me more than you love these friends.” After the death of Jesus, Peter had gone back to his friends for comfort and support. Even after Jesus’ resurrection, he still was going back to his friends. We often go to friends rather than to Jesus. A third way of looking at this is that Jesus meant “do you love me more than these things,” that is, the boats and the fishing gear. Peter had returned to his old life instead of staying with the invitation Jesus had made earlier that he was to become a fisher of men and not a fisher of fish.

Perhaps it doesn’t matter exactly what Jesus meant, yet each of these ways of looking at this question helps us to think about the core question. When the question is asked three times, it strengthens the question that is really asked. The question is, “do you love me?” Do you love me more than friends? Do you love me more than your position or your job? Do you love me more than comfort? This is the same core question that Jesus asks every one of us.

When Peter had humbly answered this question with an affirmative, Jesus responded to him by commissioning him to “feed my sheep.” Here is an important principle in being spiritual parents. It must arise out of our love for Jesus. Leon Morris writes, “This is the basic qualification for Christian service.”

If as biological parents we are going to bring our children to Jesus, it will be a difficult task if love for Jesus is not the most important priority in our life. Our children will know very quickly whether or not we love Jesus. They will see by all our actions and words what our first priority in life is. God instructed the ancient Israelites to put the word of God on their forehead and on their hands and on the doorposts of their house. This was another way of saying – live in a relationship with God. It does no good to take our children to Sunday School if they do not see us live every day in love with Jesus. However, when they see that genuine love being lived, they will emulate it.

If we are to be spiritual parents, the same principle applies. If we have contact with people who do not know the Lord and show by our lifestyle that we love this world more than God, they will not get it. If we are not filled with the love of God when we proclaim the gospel, we may confuse them. But if we love Jesus in a genuine way with our whole life, people will see Jesus in us and God will give us opportunities to be spiritual parents.

By asking these questions, Jesus helped Peter build the foundation of love for Jesus as the basis for the rest of his ministry. That same foundation must be ours as spiritual parents.

One encouraging thing about this story about Peter is that he was a failure. He had denied Jesus three times in public. How could he be trusted to be a servant of Jesus? Yet Jesus welcomed him back. We may fail him. We may have been poor examples to our children. We may have made no effort to reach the lost. But Jesus asks us a simple question, “do you love me.” If we love Him, then he sends us out, even if we have failed in the past and he invites us to be spiritual parents.

Conclusion

Are you a mother? The Bible teaches that you are worthy of honor. God bless you as you raise your children.

Are you a spiritual parent? The Bible teaches that this is a blessed opportunity. God bless you as you raise your spiritual children.

Do you love Jesus? This morning I would particularly like to encourage all of you who are biological or spiritual parents to minister to the “children” in your care on this foundation of love for Jesus.