The Bible sometimes seems to contradict itself. Now before you throw me out as a heretic, let me show you. In Genesis 2:18 it says, “…it is not good for the man to be alone...” And in I Corinthians 7:28 it says, “…those who marry will face many troubles in this life…” So which is it? Is it not good for a person to be alone, or is it better not to marry because it is trouble?
One of the topics that I don’t think I have ever talked about before, but which has often been in my mind and which I believe God has asked me to talk about is singleness. In our church culture we are often focused on marriage; it seems to be considered the norm. For example, we promote marriage courses, which is a good thing, but when have we ever sponsored teaching on how to live well as a single person? When we set tables for our church meals, we often have 8 chairs around a table – enough room for 4 couples. What happens if three couples are sitting around a table and a single person comes along? Might it be awkward for them to sit in one of those chairs, knowing the other one might remain empty?
As I have tried to listen to those who are single, I have heard a number of different questions being raised. How do we include singles in church events in what is often a context of married people? Does God bless marriage and singleness? How do we celebrate Mother’s Day or child dedication sensitively when there are people in our midst who are hurting because they cannot be mothers because they are single? How do we honor those who choose to be single? How do we care for a person who is single but desires to be married? How do we affirm strong marriages and healthy singleness?
In some ways it is a little awkward for me to speak about this because I have been married for almost 35 years. If I misrepresent or manifest that I don’t understand singleness, please forgive me and understand that I am trying to give voice to something that needs to be spoken from a Biblical and pastoral perspective.
As we think about singleness, we need to remember that people are single for different reasons and think about their singleness in different ways. Some have never been married, but desire to be married. Some have never been married and have chosen to remain so as the way to fulfill God’s plan for their life. Both Carla and I have and have had single aunts who remained single all their life and fulfilled God’s plan as singles. Some have been made single by divorce or separation and have accepted this as the way to fulfill God’s plan for their life while others who have been made single by divorce or separation, desire to be married. There are many who have been made single by the death of a spouse. Even among these there are some who have chosen to remain single and others who desire marriage. When Carla’s dad passed away, her mom decided that she would not marry again even though she was only in her 50’s, and she didn’t; whereas my mom was married for the third time (having been widowed twice) when she was in her 70’s. We need to be aware of and sensitive to these differences as we think about what it means for a person to be single and a part of a church community.
Is Singleness Or Marriage a Higher Spiritual Calling?
I began by suggesting that the Bible gives us a mixed signal about marriage and singleness. Which is a higher spiritual calling?
In the very beginning of Genesis we have the story of how marriage was instituted by God. Even though Adam had a close relationship with God, he was alone and God said it was not good for him to be alone. God caused him to fall into a deep sleep and out of Adam, God created Eve and the two became one flesh and so God instituted marriage for the purpose of companionship and in order to build the human race. Marriage, since it is ordained of God, is a high spiritual calling and a blessing that comes from God. God has set us in families and blesses this institution. We see that blessing of marriage throughout the Bible in many other passages. Without marriage and families the human race would not grow or survive. The intimacy and blessing of the love song, which we know as Song of Songs, expresses the wonder of a marriage relationship. The wonderful hymn to the woman in Proverbs 31 expresses the blessing of doing God’s will as a wife and mother. In Ephesians 5:21-32 God even compares the marriage relationship to the relationship between Christ and the church. As people marry and have children, they have the awesome responsibility of raising their children and bringing them to the Lord.
We have embraced this comprehensive teaching on the blessing of marriage and recognize it as a high spiritual calling to love our spouse deeply and to lovingly bring children into the world.
Is Being Single a Higher Calling?
But is that the only way to fulfill our spiritual calling? Is it possible that singleness can also be a high spiritual calling? When the Sadducees were challenging the concept of resurrection with Jesus in Matthew 22, they raised the issue of what would happen if a woman were married successively to seven brothers who each died. Their question was, “whose wife will she be in the resurrection?” One of the answers which Jesus gave to them, in verse 30, was, “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven. Myron Augsburger comments, “…neither heaven nor angels are characterized by sexuality but by fellowship.” If heaven will not have marriage, does that not give place to singleness as a high spiritual calling?
In the New Testament, some of the most spiritual people were single, namely, John the Baptist, Paul and even Jesus Himself. Does that not give singleness a high spiritual calling?
One writer on the theme of singleness points out that in the Old Testament, the kingdom of God was advanced through procreation. Adam and Noah were both told to “fill the earth.” Abraham was promised that although he had no children, he would have descendants as the sand of the seashore and that God’s people would be multiplied through those descendants. In such a context, marriage becomes a very high spiritual calling. In the New Testament, however, the kingdom of God is not advanced as much through procreation, as through evangelism. The tone changes from an emphasis on biological families to the family of God. Take note of the words of Jesus in Matthew 12:47-50, “Someone told him, “Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you.” He replied to him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” Pointing to his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
In I Corinthians 7, Paul speaks of singleness as a high spiritual calling from God. In this chapter he discusses marriage and singleness and clearly has a preference for singleness, as he says in I Corinthians 7:8, “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.” Although there is much to this chapter and some of it is difficult to understand, we do see in it that singleness is a high spiritual calling - for the sake of the kingdom, because of the challenge of being a Christian in the present age and in order to more fully accomplish the work of God. In such a context, those who are single are even more able to contribute to the growth of the kingdom because they can give more attention to it and singleness becomes a high spiritual calling.
So which is it? Is marriage the high spiritual calling we have always assumed or does Scripture raise singleness above marriage as a higher spiritual calling?
In an article called False Assumptions by Fern Horst which I found at http://www.singleness.org/assumptn.shtml, she says, “Marriage is not God's reward, nor is singleness God's punishment. Both are a means of accomplishing His purposes. We may have a strong preference of one over the other, but from God's perspective one is not better than the other, nor is our marital status an indication of His favor or lack of it.”
There were some, in the church in Corinth, who were teaching that marriage was sin and that it was much more spiritual to remain single. This is the issue which Paul was dealing with in I Corinthians 7. While Paul answers by indicating that he preferred singleness for the reasons I mentioned a moment ago, he nevertheless also upheld marriage. His message in I Corinthians 7 is that both are high spiritual callings and that it depends entirely on which God has called us to. Paul summarizes in I Corinthians 7:7, “I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.” He also says in I Corinthians 7:17, “Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches.”
Gordon Fee in his comments on I Corinthians 7 says, “Our culture, especially Christian subculture, tends to think of marriage as the norm in such a way that singles are second-class citizens.” But in recognition of the teaching of this chapter he goes on to say, “Some are called to singleness still; they need to be able to live in the Christian community both without suspicions and with full acceptance and affirmation.”
So marriage is good and singleness is good, but what is most important is that whatever position we find ourselves in, we need to be doing the work God has called us to do. Fee comments in another place, “…in ‘Christ’ one lives out the present life totally determined by the future that has already come.” “Whichever one is called to is better, as long as it is appropriate and allows one unhindered devotion to the Lord.”
This understanding from Scripture helps us to realize that marriage is not the only way of experiencing God’s blessing. It affirms that singleness can also be a call from God and that those who are single have so much to offer the church. I want to talk a little bit more about making space in the church for those who are single in a moment, but before I do, I would like to think about another issue. What if you are single, but don’t really want to be.
In discussing marriage and singleness some years ago someone told me “there is a lid for every pot.” In other words, marriage is the norm and every single person just needs to keep looking until they find their lid or pot, I don’t know which is which. I don’t think I agree with that.
One of the things we have just noted is that singleness can be a calling from God for the sake of the kingdom. The Bible tells that there are some who are called to celibacy. In Matthew 19, when Jesus lifted the standard of marriage high and taught that divorce was never God’s plan for any marriage, the disciples, suggested that singleness was a better option because it was so hard to remain in some marriages. Jesus replied to that suggestion in Matthew 19:11-12, and said, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.” What he was saying was that the person who has been given the gift of singleness should embrace it. Those who have chosen to renounce marriage because of the kingdom of heaven should be honored for such a choice.
But what if we are single and don’t have that gift?
The answer to this is really a part of the much larger discussion of how we respond to any disappointed expectation. If we have a desire for a particular job, or we long for a child, or a spouse or anything else and God has not given these things to us, how do we respond?
In an article called False Assumptions, Part II by Fern Horst found at http://www.singleness.org/assumptn2.shtml she has some very helpful advice. She says,
“Actually, those who know they will be single the rest of their lives are those who have chosen celibacy in light of who God has created them to be and do in His Kingdom. I have heard numerous lifelong singles say that they never felt called to singleness. However, as they went through life concentrating on what God had given them to do, they slowly came to realize that singleness was the best state in which to accomplish these tasks, and that marriage would have been a hindrance in that regard.
“Many singles waste their lives away being sure that marriage is just around the corner because they haven’t yet "felt called" to singleness. The truth of the matter is that if we are single, then singleness is our calling at least for now. Marriage may be our calling tomorrow, but for today it is singleness.
“The most important thing is to not try and figure out what the magical solution is that will cause God to do what we want, or even to try and second guess what our futures may hold. We need to make the most of living for Christ in the situation we are in, whether we are married or single, realizing that each one is equally important for serving the Lord
“Our whole expectation for fullness of life should be placed directly in the Lord Himself. We should take as our example the Psalmist who said, "My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him" (Psalms 62:5). God wants us to acknowledge our desires to Him, and to ask Him to fulfill them if He sees best. But in the end our expectation should be in Him, not in the fulfillment of our request. When our expectations are in Him, we can then treasure what He gives us because it is from Him.
“The blessing in my life has come from not holding onto a "promise" that God will someday fulfill my desires for marriage and a family, but that He will fulfill His purposes for me and that heaven will be the place and the time when all my deepest desires and longings will be fulfilled.
“I wonder if, after hearing all that we have to say to Him, the sweetest words to our Heavenly Father are perhaps the simplest ones: "Yes, Lord." After years of telling the Lord (and sometimes in a rather demanding way) the deepest desires of my heart, I have found that it is those very words of surrender that have in the end brought me closest to the heart of my Heavenly Father.”
In other words, we need to accept the situation we are in and be faithful to God and active in His service. The example of those in Hebrews 11:13-15 is helpful. There we read, “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return.” In waiting for the fulfillment of God’s promises, some of these OT people never received what they were looking for, but they continued to be faithful to God and to serve Him. In eternity, all God honoring desires are fulfilled.
How is it possible to rest in such acceptance of our situation? It is a challenge to do so but there is one critical question that will allow us to wait and be active in service. The question we need to ask and answer is, “Do I believe that God loves me.” The question is not, “Do I believe that God will give me what I want?” The question is not, “What are the things I can do to make God give me what I want?” God has demonstrated His amazing love towards us by sending Jesus to die on the cross. There is so much else that God is always doing for us. As we open our eyes to what God is doing, we come to a deepening conviction that we are truly loved by God, no matter what the conditions of our life are. Can we believe that His love is still with us even when we don’t get what we want or can’t even understand why God doesn’t answer our prayers? May we learn to walk in such faith.
Honoring and Including Singles
My burden in this message has been to encourage those who are single to accept their current situation and on the other hand to encourage the whole church to value singleness as a calling from God. How do we do that?
In a different article called “Does My Life Really Matter?” also by Fern Horst found at http://www.singleness.org/purpose.shtml she has a very challenging illustration. She quotes, “It's just so awful! I can't believe she's dead! And she had a husband and four small children left without her. Why couldn't it have been someone without a family?"
And then she comments, “We often hear such sentiments expressed after young husbands or wives are killed in an accident, or an illness or disease shortens their lives. It seems obvious that such individuals' lives had purpose, and that their deaths leave a void in other peoples' lives.
“Many singles wonder what they're alive for if they aren't going to have the responsibilities of a spouse and children. It's a horrible feeling — that sense deep down that if you weren't here it wouldn't make much of a difference, and that perhaps it may even be better for some people if you weren't around.”
I found that illustration disturbing and I wondered whether I was communicating to those who are single that they are not valuable. I would like to confess to those who are single for all the times that we as a church have marginalized you. I want to commit myself to learning how to honor you. Some ways we can do that is not to make jokes or hints about marriage to those who are single or to act as an unwelcome matchmaker. Another way is not to assume that when male and female singles are together, they are looking for a spouse. Another is to make space at the table for those who are single. May we become more sensitive and caring in this area of our church life.
Last week I saw what I think is a good example of how we can best include those who are single. I was speaking at RRVL and a Bible study group was there singing. The group was made up of several couples, several singles and several widows. They looked like a group that was together and their togetherness, even though some were married and some single, was in serving the Lord. As we focus on serving God and others, it won’t matter if there are married people or single people, there will be space for all and we will be doing what God has called us to do.
Marriage is a blessing from God, therefore let us honor marriage.
Singles experience God’s blessing, therefore let us honor singles.
Above all, let us remember that being a part of God’s family by faith and serving Him is the path that will lead us all to an eternity in which our first love will be our Lord.
